Bittersweetness

One of the advantages of being a flight attendant flying out of LAX is that we now have direct flights to Raleigh Durham. In February I was so fortunate to nab one and layover 24 hours there. Maureen O’Brien picked me up and we went directly to Paul’s home. What joy it always is to see everyone. For over an hour the kids were playing outside. Kat was there along with Paul, watching out especially for “Baby Reagan”, as Larkin calls her. She keeps up with her siblings and insists on trying everything that Larkin does. Larkin, of course, was climbing, running, swinging and going down the slide, calling Reagan to keep up with her.

It got very windy and was time for dinner so everyone came in the house and watched as a crazy rain storm passed by. I called my husband, Barry, whom the kids fondly call “Uncle Barry” as their mother, aunt and uncle always have. They insisted on talking with him and John immediately asked “Uncle Barry, why are you not here? Are you coming when I’m asleep?” Larkin also had her questions and reclamations about Barry’s absence. It was so sweet, especially because they now remember everyone and visits are all the more special.

After dinner the usual organized play chaos began. John came downstairs with a wonderful Knight helmet which he has decided is really a baseball catcher’s mask. He squatted down like a professional and started throwing me the ball. That kid knows what he’s doing! I, however, didn’t. There’s no doubt he’ll be a baseball fanatic like his mother and her family. Before long all the children were pulling out toys from the ottoman, making up games, and trying to maneuver around huge Logan as he tried to find a comfy spot out of the way. I was blown away at Reagan’s comprehension and verbal skills. Larkin is a little mommy to her guiding and directing while the adults all sat around intervening only when bodily harm was imminent or a helpful suggestions was needed.

When things quieted down a bit, the kids got up on the couch and John asked why I was in uniform. I told him about my job and both he and Larkin started asking questions. They are so inquisitive! They want to know so much about everything. John wanted pictures of the plane. I told them how Uncle Barry had been a pilot in a war and more questions ensued. After telling them all about that, Larkin said “I want another story!” Reagan was sitting quietly beside her siblings, taking it all in, looking at whoever was talking at the time. It was so much fun to watch them absorb the stories about life and I wish I had pictures to show them along with the stories. I think that because they don’t watch much television and are read to a lot, these children have the ability to listen carefully and fully absorb the wonderful, but fading gift of storytelling.

In today’s Family Update that Paul posted, he hit the nail on the head for me. I was going to put all of this in a “reply” but it would have been too long. I wanted to share with everyone how I perceived the family weeks ago and how everyone was doing, but found it initially too hard. You see, visiting Jamie’s family is one of the most difficult paradoxes of life I’ve encountered. There is so much joy in seeing Jamie’s children. They are healthy, sweet and wonderful. They carry so much of Jamie in them that they don’t even realize. Paul is an amazing parent and we are in awe with his devotion, focus, and wisdom in raising them. The grandparents work so hard to make life flow easily in the household and also have lives of their own. And I have no doubt that Jamie is watching her sister Kat with such gratitude and love as she moves past her own grief (as they all do) to be such a vital part of the children’s lives in a positive, loving way. It really is amazing to watch everyone form such a tight shelter of love for Jamie’s kids. It gives me so much joy to see it.

And now the nail part. The joy is equal only to the depth of sorrow and pain that is felt not seeing Jamie in that shelter of love. It is so bittersweet. And I go home and in the distance some of that pain subsides a little. What is amazing to me is how the Kindem O’Brien “Clan” do this everyday. They rejoice and grieve with every moment and do whatever it takes to move past the pain to always show happy faces to those kids. And truly love propels them all in this. Love for Jamie, for all that she was and still is to them. Love for her children who are so much a part of her and Paul.

The visits to Durham are precious as those of you who go know. I can’t wait to go again. I’m sure I’m not alone in witnessing all these experiences and feelings, as many of you can attest. I think, especially with Easter tomorrow, the Kindem O’Brien’s give witness to the power of love, how if we live life authentically with passion, kindness, and commitment to others, we leave a footprint that cannot be erased. Jamie did that, and she was blessed with a family and husband that are courageous enough to live in the pain of her absence and fill it with meaning and love so her children can become all that Jamie would have hoped.

In all of them, Jamie still lives on as bright as a shining star.